Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
