Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
This baby is an asshole
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
