I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
