I'm so fucking centered right now
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
