I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
