I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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