why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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