remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
