singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Girls should come with a carfax report
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
