Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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