im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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