I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
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Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
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I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.