Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
25 People Confess Their Favorite Way To Annoy Their Significant Other
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
These 21 Women Share What Sexual Harassment In The Military Is Really Like
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.