My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day