New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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