my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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