I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
