ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
