Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
