it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
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