just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
