You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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