did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
