I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
