I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
