I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
