I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
