I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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