I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
