I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
