i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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