I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
