He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
