how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
