Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
