I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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