I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
