Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
