it hurts more in the daytime
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
