I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Randomize
