shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
