I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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