Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
