Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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