Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
