and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
