Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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