Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
tonight lets celebrate not being married
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
