Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
