I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
