we made out on top of his cat.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
