How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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