i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
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Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
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Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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