He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
