if you like me you must not know who I am
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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