I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
