The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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