I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
