i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
