I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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